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Ted Nugent proving he's no coward by volunteering to fight on the losing side of a war that ended 150 years ago

Ted Nugent proving he’s no coward by volunteering to fight on the losing side of a war that ended 150 years ago

Some people would find an intellectually challenged admitted serial pedophiliac, mediocre guitar player, subpar singer and a poorly spoken man paid to speak his mind as a terrible ambassador for your ideas. The Teahadists of the GOP right would NOT be among those people. He proudly will attend the State of the Union to counter what he calls “Props”, the survivors of gun violence.

If the intellectually challenged Nugent had his way he would have the now abandoned Sandy Hook Elementary school would be reopened as a Range where only extended clips would be allowed. Actually, that’s far too creative and sensational for Nugent, who is a bore, so thankfully that will never happen…. at least not because of Nugent. His Lord and Master Wayne LaPierre might have the savvy to jump onto that bandwagon, but Nugent is not a creative type, which is why he failed in Rock N Roll.
How bad is Ted Nugent on guitar? Cat Scratch Fever was judged to be so simplistic and annoying by my guitar teacher that he decided the first song I would learn would be “Breakin’ The Law” by Judas Priest, a much more interesting song and gets points for brevity. Brevity and being entertaining is something Nugent, an entertainer by trade, is horrible at. Think of it like this-in the 3 minutes or so that is the lifespan of a song Nugent manages to get across zero emotion, no narrative, and on his best efforts you can’t get through 90 seconds. This is when the guitar solo usually kicks most songs

Nugent is known to brag of his exploits as a pedophile

Nugent is known to brag of his exploits as a pedophile

into high gear. In the case of Nugent the ‘solo’ is a sophomoric mess of unrelated notes that are occasionally in key. To most people the beginning of the guitar solo is the final insult when listening to Ted Nugent, so most people have no idea how any of his songs end.
Ted Nugent is a Dedicated Servant of Darkness. Tonight he will sit in the audience as President Obama delivers his State of the Union Address. Will he make good on his threat that if Obama were reelected he would be dead or in jail within the next 59 days? The chances of that are about as good as the odds he will dress appropriately.
Ted will inevitably be there in the camouflage he wears to hunt, which is not unlike the camouflage he refused to wear to

This is about the most entertaining thing that Ted has done, act like an idiot

This is about the most entertaining thing that Ted has done, act like an idiot

defend his country in Vietnam. Draft Dodger Ted Nugent, who was so afraid to go to serve in the Vietnam War he shit himself for weeks just thinking about it,  loves to talk tough and make grandiose threats of violence, but when the time came to serve his country overseas in time of war “Terrible Ted” chose to eschew all personal hygiene for weeks and pretended to be crazy (he was still relatively sane then) so he would NOT have to put on the uniform of the country he hates, the United States of America. While many refused to serve in the Vietnam War for moral reasons, they had the courage to face the consequences. Accountability is not a trait possessed by Nugent, a craven coward.
Sure, Ted will scream all day that he loves America, but he loves it the way a possessive abusive guy loves his girlfriend; within strict limits and only on his terms. It doesn’t matter what the other party wants, or in this case 330 million other people think, they are all just letting Ted down; just like he let down the record companies who foolishly signed him with pathetic album sales.
But, more than anything aside a glass of freshly tapped unbaptized baby blood, Ted Nugent loves himself. He will say anything, do anything and lie about anything he needs to in his endless self promotion. What does Ted Nugent believe? Well, how much is in it for him? If he could make more money as a democrat he would be one. Sadly, democrats, who are obsessed with Hollywood and celebrity find Nugent distinctly boring. So boring he can’t even get a decent reality show deal. This is probably because insanity, selfishness and gun craziness are demographics that are already well served by far more interesting and less offensively boring people.
Nugent, who keeps his Bushmaster within easy reach at all times in case someone tries to harm him, is actually quite safe due to his being inconsequential. A failed Rock Star with below average guitar skills he has less talent than Britney Speers, who can at least say the horrible songs she released were written by someone else. Despite this Nugent thinks he’s Angus Young. Take it from another guitar player. Ted Nugent is as close to Angus Young as Australia is to the Sea of Tranquility.
A lesser Limbaugh who lacks the charm and charisma of a Glen Beck or the gravitas of Alex Jones, Nugent is the rarest of all things, a boring insane person.
Far too stupid to align himself with something as interesting as Satanism, he serves the God Mammon, which of course is money incarnated as a False God. This is nowhere near as cool as George HW Bush painting his plane like a giant Satanic Bat to scare the Japanese. That’s right, there’s someone even more boring than George HW Bush.

He also is different from George HW Bush in another important way; George HW Bush had a sense of honor. When it was time for war, Bush bought it and fought for a country he loved (in his perverse way), the U.S of Fucking A. He may have been better at getting shot down than completing his missions, but he gleefully joined the Navy and got to kill actual people directly with his own hands. George HW Bush also had a flaw that Nugent would find repulsive, that despite being a below average president, he actually had the pride, good sense sense and was upright enough to call Nugent’s Lord and Master Wayne LaPierre the jerk that he is and quit the National Rifle Association. Equally repulsive to Nugent would be that George HW Bush actually loves America and eagerly put on his countries uniform. He never saluted any piss yellow snake flag in his life. In fact he made burning Old Glory a crime. Rest assured that the quiet feeling of pride we all have when we see the American Flag snapping in a brisk October wind at Yankee Stadium is something Nugent has never felt.
He’s sort of a reverse Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq leaves the house and its news; Shaq endorses a car, you’ll probably consider its

for the sake of fairness - Not everyone named Ted is a boring dick

for the sake of fairness – Not everyone named Ted is a boring dick

merits. Even in music Shaq has outsold Nugent with the infamously bad “Shaq Diesel” phase where he rapped. Whereas The Big Aristotle is always amusing, engaging and funny, Nugent is always predictable, poorly spoken, uninteresting and clears the room anytime he gets near a microphone, or worse yet, a guitar.
While certainly droolingly insane, he fails to generate any real interest from terrestrial radio in secondary markets. While he bragged openly about having sex with underage girls, of which Courtney Love admits she was one, when she was 12, Nugent can’t use booze or drugs as an excuse. This is because he is far too boring to ever envision things beyond the edge of his dick. A dick we can safely assume is pretty damn small, although Courtney Love’s mouth is so big you could lose an aircraft carrier in it and therefore not use it for a comparison, his overt insecurity gives us a pretty good indication he’s overcompensating for something. Since he has repeatedly touted his skill on guitar we can rule this out. He’s just too dumb to realize he’s terrible at it. That leaves us with his ….his personality…such as it is.
Nugent is a Draft Dodger, a kook, a liar, a self admitted pedophile and about to fail again as he will surely prove he has neither the guts not the integrity to rid the world of himself by getting killed or locked up. Or maybe he will. One way or another we wouldn’t know for weeks if at all. He simply

From the brochure for Ted Nugent's Summer Camp for Kids, apparently the 2nd Mile foundation turned him down because he was too much of a pedophile

From the brochure for Ted Nugent’s Summer Camp for Kids, apparently the 2nd Mile foundation turned him down because he was too much of a pedophile

isn’t that interesting and has too few fans for anyone to care. A dying career in the dying medium of terrestrial radio he’s goon and a ghoul. I would hope that Ted Nugent stays in his deer stand for the State of the Union.
By virtue of his selfishness, inarticulate nature, inept guitar skills and unapologetic love of sex with underage children I hereby confer upon Ted Nugent the title of Dedicated Servant of Darkness, joining Wayne LaPierre in my Hall of Ignominy. He is just the second person to earn this title in the entire (5 month) lifespan of this blog.