In a world where everyone is complicit in global immorality one man stands alone in the face of reality to assure us that Jesus did, in fact, ride a fucking dinosaur to work. He is none other than New York Jets Quarter Back/ Running Back? Wide Receiver, all around jerk off and future preacher/Religious Fundamentalist Party candidate for President of Florida, Tim Tebow. God has long hated the Jets, its’ been proven by season after season of horrible pointless pain known only to fans of other cursed teams like the Mets, the Cubs and the Buffalo Bills.
When a Jets fan dies they invariably go to Hell. They hardly notice the difference. Torture, sex deprivation, deep depression, intense physical and emotional pain are the reason these people became jets fans in the first place. This is why when you die in your Jets jersey when you get to Hell they send you to HR to interview you for a position because CLEARLY pain and suffering are what you thrive on and torturing you would be pointless. In this era of streamlining Hell has to run leaner and meaner, not easy for a place that already had a horrible reputation. They will not waste the experience of Jets fan, who is ready Day One to torment people. Training a whole new torturer takes time and resources. Other torturers have to take off the leather hood and train the new guys. It’s just not efficient and there’s no outsourcing torture, I mean, we’re talking about Hell here. Saying ‘When you die you will go to China and be poorly tortured by Bain capital Employees sounds horrible, but just not horrible enough to cover something like “Hell”. Satan has a brand to protect too.
Unlike the Devil, who lets Sharon Osbourne handle most of his PR, God has to make do with flawed humans who could never act like Sharon and still rep for him. This is where Tebow comes in—He’s Gods unpaid self appointed ambassador to the world and he’s got an explanation for EVERYTHING that’s happened in the entire 4,000 years of Galactic history, God just ‘miracled’ it there. No “Mystery of faith’ for Tebow. He is a football player and therefore 85% likely to be an idiot (and about 30% likely to one day be a felon, but that’s another story i can’t WAIT to write). No, Tim Tebow has never struggled with the reality that dinosaurs existed millions of years ago, or that there’s no way a snake ever talked. He simply accepts it, like the simple idiotic potential future felon he is.
I respect people who struggle with the non reality of religion. Some call it “The Mystery of Faith” because lets face it some of the stuff they are asking you to believe is pretty damn illogical. A guy coming back from the dead really IS the sort of thing you should be super critical of. Accepting that despite its illogical nature is actual faith. That requires intelligence I have never seen in Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow’s Christianity is no different from a masturbating monkey. It feels good, it’s pretty much instinctual, so he does it. He doesn’t have the level of intelligence to feel the sort of humility that leads most to masturbate behind closed doors the same way they leave their religion in church.
So Tebow goes out there every Sunday thinking God is on his side. This is completely ridiculous considering the entire other team is filled with guys just as Christian as Tebow who feel exactly the same way. Everyone can’t be right, so it inevitably comes down to who God hates less. This puts the Jets at a disadvantage pretty much every time.
Tim Tebow is a phony. He’s a greedy and dumb as any other athlete. He works out all day flexing at himself in the mirror, get paid gazillions and isn’t even good enough to start. Don’t believe me? Well how about this, Mr “I’m the World’s Proudest Christian” is copyrighting his nauseating signature “Tebowing” move after he somehow scores a TD. That’s right, he has copyrighted a way of praying and celebrating God. The most likely reason for this is to get a little more money from the people who make football video games. In other words, he’s squeezing every dime out of his ‘brand’, which is fanatical Christianity.
I have hated Tim Tebow since the first time I heard his name. We should never judge the person by their name, but lets face it we do. In this case its an irritating sounding name. It grates on the ears. He backs this up with matching IQ and body fat percentage. Tim Tebow is an idiot on hot rails to Hell and heres why, I call it “The Five Tebowments”
1- Gods favorite team is the Yankees. Its well known the DEVIL’S favorite team in the New York Jets. The profane and vicious fans of the Jets absolutely HATE everyone, and I mean EVERYONE until they prove themselves. Even more eccentric still, they will instantly turn on any hero. I have seen Derek Jeter booed in Yankee Stadium, trust me in New York its ‘What have you done for me lately’? One can only hope that this coddled jackass jumps off the Verazano Bridge (which is the second largest suspension bridge in the world)
2- Jimmy Fallon is right, God is off on Sundays. He works all week so he can watch football on Sunday. Put yourself in HIS shoes, imagine you own a company, Sunday rolls around and you turn on the Jets game and there’s your biggest suck up employee playing QB out there. Who would be able to deal with THAT? This would make anyone crazy. God made man in his image, so I can only imagine God himself also HATES TIM TEBOW!
3- He is a virgin. That’s right, he’s never had sex. Apparently this means only women because to Tim Tebow two guys or chicks getting it on is demonic sodomy. This is weird because football is the gayest of all games. Putting that aside who would swim in John Mayer’s wake just to hold hands with a chick? Taylor Swift is as hot as Georgia Asphalt and loves dick. She loves dick so much she even fucked the one attached to John Mayer. So if you’re going to hang out with Taylor Swift, have the common decency to fuck her, as much as you are sure you’re going through fuzzy curtains to Hell, Fuck Her! The rest of the Fraternity of Men hate you for furthering the idea that a no sex dating relationship is acceptable. Here’s a guy who is proud of the one thing everyone is ashamed to have past 10th grade.
4- He sucks! The guy can’t play football. I don’t
care if his Lee Press On Arms did win him a Playoff game as a Bronco, it was a fluke. God just hated the other team more. As a Jet, well he just sucks. He can’t throw the ball, has failed on a couple of QB sneaks and the wildcat is a horror story! If anyone could make people like and appreciate Marc Sanchez, who has a 66.6 QB rating (The Number of the Beast! YES!) and throws interceptions the way a spoiled 4 year old throws tantrums, in other words endlessly and dramatically, it’s Tim Tebow.
5- His religious beliefs are an impediment to being a good football player. He’s a Christian and his job requires he work on the Lords Day. Now for most people this would not be a problem, because they know God loves a good football game.
Tim Tebow is inhibited by his fanatical, knee jerk belief that Jesus, who MUST have rode to work on a dinosaur, would have wanted us to cry and pray all day on Sundays. It would never cross his mind that Jesus was Jewish and that he was more likely to have pissed him off playing COLLEGE FOOTBALL on SATURDAYS! A truly religious person would not play on The Lords Day. For example, “The Hebrew Hammer” as the press in a misguided attempt NOT to sound antisemitic called Hank Greenberg of the Detroit Tigers, did not play on Saturdays. Hank Greenberg had true faith in God because he still believed even though God made him play in the post Apocalyptic crime ridden theme park that is Detroit
This is lost on Tebow, who would clearly rather be getting a “Good Churching Up” on Sundays. This seems pointless. What more can Tim Tebow learn in Church? He doesn’t have sex, he probably doesn’t jerk off I’m guessing either, what with the whole wasting the seed thing and all. This man clearly has learned ALL there is to be gleaned from going to Church. Where I would love to see him? Well, the unemployment office honestly, but until then, how about reading that fucking playbook Timmy, you non jerking off, Dinosaur Riding non Jewish Jesus Loving asshole?
Where will this leave the Jets late in the season? Providing the Mayans were right and the Apocalypse occurs on December 21, 2012, according to his own beliefs he will possibly be unable to start games for weeks prior to this because he believes all the good people will be “raptured away” to Heaven before the world ends. In other words he will just “fade away and merge with The Force” like Obi-Wan and Yoda.
This is super selfish and UnChristian as it leaves the rest of us to live through the aftermath of Global Cataclysm. Seriously how much would it suck to be on a plane when that happens? Imagine if the pilot somehow escaped alcoholism, multiple affairs and reckless endangerment charges to have lived a good enough life to be one of the 144,000 people out of the 9 billion of us to be raptured away? Hopefully Tebow’s self important hypocrisy, the fact he sucks at football despite being a possible latent homosexual playing in the gayest of all sports and the offensive nature of his not fucking Taylor Swift have pissed off God enough to make sure Timmy gets “Left Behind” to deal with the post Rapture world wih everyone else.
I think God himself HATES Tim Tebow, as he hates the Jets and their fans. The many plagues and disasters visited upon the Jets fan would have turned ANY other fans into pillars of salt. Mentioning the lost season of 1996 or mentioning the name Rich Kotite can still get a man killed in parking lot of met Life Stadium, an overpriced piece of shit in the middle of a fucking swamp. To underscore the fact the winningest team to play in the Meadowlands Sports Complex was, get this – the New Jersey Devils- This PROVES God hates the Jets. Why else would he be so incredibly cruel?
—–God Also Has a man Crush on Tom Brady——–
God HATES the Jets, that’s easy to prove, turn on your TV. God also hates Tim Tebow. Why he chose to give him fame, money and a chance not to fuck Taylor Swift is unknown, but He moves in mysterious ways.
Today in New England the Jets will play the Patriots. God will be watching because for reasons especially hard to grasp- as much as He Hates Tim Tebow, God LOVES Tom Brady!
Its hard to understand but there’s just too much proof. In Fact, God most likely wears a Tom Brady jersey when he watches the games. This is really hard to believe despite the incontrovertible proof because if anyone is as annoying and possesses even fewer admirable qualities than Tebow it’s definitely Tom Brady. For example, Tom Brady ditched his super knocked up girlfriend to run around banging Gisele Bundchen. What’s meaner than that? Still, there’s no denying God absolutely loves him. In fact the success of Tom Brady is the best case to be made for proving God exists. Brady’s many sins include his hair, or possible lack thereof. Alternating between Justin Bieber and Ben Affleck wigs while the plugs grow in is almost as sickening as “Tebowing”.
When God sees the Patriots losing he just sets in motion a string of unlikely miracles that gets them back into the game. This is one thing about the Almighty that is NOT mysterious. Every football fan thinks they can control the game; be it with their lucky jersey or by waiving their arms during the other teams field goal attempt in spite of the fact they aren’t even at the stadium. Why would God be any different?
Today’s game features a cast of characters SO unlikeable the best outcome anyone could hope for would be the stadium being sucked into Hell like the house from “Carrie” taking Tim Tebow, Rex Ryan, Sanchez, Bill Belicheck and Tom Brady with it. The good news for the fans who get sucked into the Flames of Perdition with them is that Hell is also just a short drive from Boston.