Republican History Class-
The Rise of Part 1 – Those Crazy Romans
The Romans were around a really long time ago. It was like a pretty long time after all the stuff from Star Wars happened but like 2,000 years before the United States and the Republican Party, which is ½ the time
the Universe has existed. At some point, somebody, maybe Julius Caesar, invented capitalism.
Capitalism was not immediately popular although it was always the best. People were still lazy so it took a really long time to catch on. The Romans however, made some progress towards capitalism. They were the only ones who really tried to use the gold,oil and other stuff that blooms from the earth like flowers. They did pretty good but never really mastered the stuff. For example their flamethrowers totally sucked and only worked at sea! How misguided is that? They were more like “lamethrowers”. This is because even though they were Romans and better than anyone else in their time, they still just weren’t Americans. Whenever we took up their ideas we unfucked all their mistakes and did a radically more kick ass job at everything they ever tried.
Slavery and a really large prison labor population made sure people took responsibility for their lives. This was amongst the greatest accomplishments ever by non Americans in labor utilization. For a while, in a move that was early proof of the futility of generosity the Romans had the slaves wear snappy belts so they could be easily identified. But the ungrateful slaves scared the Romans out of this by being typical liberals and didn’t even say thank you. Instead they used their preponderance of numbers to intimidate their job creators. Even though the Romans took the slave belts away so the slaves could enjoy the challenge of earning them back, they had made the fatal error of generosity because they were soft pre- American Semi-capitalists. So they failed and things went to shit for a long time. Like 1/3 of the entire history of the earth.
The Romans were gifted and dedicated early innovators of War.
The Ancient Romans excelled in war. This is mostly because they really deeply and truly loved war in and of itself and partly coincidence because the Romans were like the shortest people in Europe! While most dwarf races would have just quit war right then and there and moved on to a useless pastoral existence, the Romans dug down deep and invented Atlas so he could shrug!
Venture Capitalism and their wimpy stature meant the ancient Romans pragmatically decided to fight smart and mean because to them nothing was worse than the alternative (peace). They got good at it really fast because they were constantly attacking their neighbors whether they were a threat or not or even had anything worth taking. They kicked serious fucking ass with an army that was filled with people who had to have land and money just to fight in it. They willingly and eagerly signed on for a stunning 20 year hitch in a time where people rarely hit 30. And get this, they were snobs about it too; If you couldn’t buy your
own weapons you could stay the fuck home, pussy! They probably used trained Dinosaurs to help their armies because they were super badass and did what all armies need to do. Provided an ever expanding market with limitless opportunity for their early pre American proto-Corporations.
They were already super violent and loved war so its really not surprising that this Army kicked ass like no one else until America.
Like us, they treated and paid their volunteer soldiers like shit. They motivated their military with an early commission style approach. The more people they killed and the faster they did it the more they would earn because you got to keep everything you wanted from the people you killed. This plunder oriented pay policy really put the vulture into vulture capitalism and was especially awesome at bringing a war to a quick end so that the next war could start on time.
Some of the stuff their army pulled off was fucking cray, man! It was all due to hands on management techniques like forcing 90% of their soldiers to bludgeon to death the other 10% when they lost a battle. This brilliant insight into what we would now call Human Resources and payroll reduction increased productivity immensely. So basically they almost never lost. They were like the New York Yankees of war but even better because Jeter and the rest of the bench could kill A-Rod and Joba Chamberlain after they choked in a playoff game right there in the On Deck Circle to appease the crowd!
Among other things they routinely accomplished a Hiroshima worthy level death and destruction when they were really pissed off. They invented military mind games to fuck with and kill as many people as they could in as short a time as possible. A lot of times they would look like they were wussing out and all run away. But they were actually just drawing the douchebags who were stupid enough to fuck with them into a Circle Jerk of Death because like 3 times more war starved Romans were waiting to run in from all directions and the guys who had looked all pussy-ified running away would turn around and start beating on your ass like an army of fucking Bosses. It was such a badass way to fight that no one ever lived to tell people about it so it worked all the time! They could totally fuck up your city too almost as well as a small nuclear bomb like the one the Iranians probably already have. In a brilliantly prosecuted attack on early Soviet style super pussies Carthage they managed to sterilize the soil for decades so the bad guys couldn’t get slaves of their own to grow food for them. It wasn’t done in a day because they weren’t Americans though. They just weren’t as good at things as we are.
The legal system was also very innovative. People were guilty until proven innocent and didn’t have lawyers. In true shows of democracy the Romans would routinely render judgment for whimsical reasons like who a lion thought tasted best or on how loud the supporters of the accused could shout. The first approach is obviously the best but the second part is super cool too. Look how well it worked in the Jesus trial! If
they could do some kind of version of ‘the wave’ and maybe a ‘Let’s Go Yankees/ Go Barabus’ kinda chant the guy would always go free, which is pretty bitchin’ if you think about it.
The Romans society collapsed due to poor border control and immigration policies, over regulation, and wasting time on infrastructure. Roman failings include excellent roads, some of which are still being used and failed public works projects like aquaduct’s to bring water to people in cities. The Aquaduct system sapped Roman manpower and even distracted their army from war sometimes. The free aquaduc system worked perfectly for hundreds of years with little maintenance, so no one made any money off planned obsolescence. Let’s face it they were just too nice.
Eventually the non rich people started acting all crazy and complaining that the lead in the free water was no good for them in a great early display of public whining. This was also an early example of why spending money on infrastructure is a really, really bad idea. Part of the mistake was probably giving the water away for free in the first place. Their poor people were even stupider and lazier than their modern counterparts so no even bothered to invent a water filter. This is all because they were only sort of like Americans and also still had to spend a lot of time dodging marauding pterodactyls.