The nature of the Almighty has challenged the minds of humanity since the dawn of time. Sadly the proof there IS a God is a person so despicable it almost makes you wish the Atheists were right.
While we can not influence Him much or really understand Him, there IS some things we definitely DO know about God’s behavior based on the Superbowl Studded career of Tom Brady. For instance; God HATES the Jets, that’s easy to prove, just turn on your TV. God also hates Tim Tebow. Why He chose to give him fame, money and a chance not to fuck Taylor Swift is unknown, but He moves in mysterious ways.
Sunday in New England the Ravens will play the Patriots. God will be watching because for reasons especially hard to grasp- as much as He Hates Tim Tebow, God LOVES Tom Brady!
Its hard to understand but there’s just too much proof. In Fact, God most likely wears a Tom Brady jersey when he watches the games. This is really hard to believe despite the incontrovertible proof because if anyone is as annoying and possesses even fewer admirable qualities than Tebow it’s definitely Tom Brady. For example, Tom Brady ditched his super knocked up girlfriend to run around banging Gisele Bundchen. What’s meaner than that? Still, there’s no denying God absolutely loves him. In fact the success of Tom Brady is the best case to be made for proving God exists. Brady’s many sins include his hair, or possible lack thereof. Alternating between Justin Bieber and Ben Affleck wigs while the plugs grow in is almost as sickening as “Tebowing”.
While God always knows what WE are doing, its only during the Patriots game where WE have a pretty good idea of what He is doing. Yesterdays Box Score from the Patriots – Texans Game is pretty conclusive if you only use Football as your Scientific Method. In this case Science and Religion have no conflict, as each line of reasoning leads to the same conclusion- God just LOVES Tom Brady.
The Texans scored first on a Field Goal to take the early lead. God was still clearly getting a beer and maybe got a call and simply missed the first few minutes of the quarter. After foiling a Texans drive He miracled a Touch Down to put the Pat’s on top 7-3. Still angry at the Texans, he smote them with a spell of talentless stupidity which enabled the Pats to score twice more and suddenly its 17-3.
At this point God went to get His second beer and the Texans scored a Touch Down on a one yard run by Arian Foster. Then because He has Graham on his fantasy team He allowed a Houston a 55 yard Field Goal to end the Half.
After some tailgating out on the deck God was focusing on Tom Brady. He imbued the Sampson Like magic Hairplugs with Divine Football Power to begin their work as Brady’s useless brain was put into the back seat. One imagines at this point Brady develops a Halo in the Locker Room and the rest of the team realizes if they Fuck Up God will punish them by taking away their endorsements and making them into Felons like so many of their NFL colleagues. Only Ray Lewis, who God cleverly drafts onto his fantasy team every single year, could kill two people yet somehow NOT be a felon and still prosper. This should give everyone in Baltimore hope.
Feeling guilty for missing the first half God made sure to be in his super awesome Game Day Club Chair and the third Quarter was all Patriots. By the end God
dropped all pretense and began granting Brady Touch Down passes.
Early in the fourth it was 38-13 New England after God miracle Brady another Touch Down pass. God gets his third beer and answered some Tweets and prayers (but NOT from the Houston area). When God got around to turning the game back on he spilled some beer on his Brady Jersey, but because he KNEW ahead of time he was wise enough the ugly Red throwback uniform that even HE hates. This is when He noticed the score. He remembered all the years He had spent as a Cowboy fan and realied no one in Texas deserved another win and and the final score is 48– 21 Pats in a second half laugher. Of course Brady set several records whixh I will not dignifying him by mentioning, ending the day with 344 passing yards and a QB rating of 115, three Touch Downs and no Interceptions.
No one can do this. Tom Brady is NOT Flash Gordon. If you have heard him speak you know he’s only smart in relation to other professional athletes. He simply isn’t smart enough for the kind of success he is achieving. It’s Miracles and Fan Boy Love from the Almighty.
When God sees the Patriots losing he just sets in motion a string of unlikely miracles that gets them back into the game. This is one thing about the Almighty that is NOT mysterious. Every football fan thinks they can control the game; be it with their lucky jersey or by waving their arms during the other teams field goal attempt in spite of the fact they aren’t even at the stadium. Why would God be any different? In His case though, he really CAN and DOES have the ability to influence the Game. While this is par for the course for a Supreme Being it’s far too much power for any one fan.
Today’s game features a cast of characters SO unlikeable the best outcome anyone could hope for would be the stadium being sucked into Hell like the house from “Carrie” taking Bill Belicheck and Tom Brady with it. The good news for the fans who get sucked into the Flames of Perdition with them is that Hell is also just a short drive from Boston. They will still be home in time to abuse their wives despite the fact they have again been spoiled with another incredible win.
God DID have a special hatred for the Cleveland Browns, but even more so for their fans. When the Browns became somewhat competitive He allowed Art Modell, who had previously sold his soul to Stan anyway, to leave with the Team. This ensured that after years of not having football the Steaming City of Cleveland, where He had gone so far as to set one of the Great Lakes ON FIRE to leave no doubt about his opinion, would have to start all over again with a still awful expansion team that God also hates.
Upon leaving Cleveland God forgot all about the Ravens. Thusly, they have been successful ever since, even winning the Big One. There’s a chance that in pure spite of Cleveland He may allow for a close game, or perhaps even let the Ravens win. God CAN sometimes seem like a flake, like when he stopped loving Cowboys after Troy Aikman retired or allowed that Mega Tsunami a few years back. In a profound sense of Justice God turns on Boston, probably because their fans are SO spoiled, and puts on his Derek Jeter jersey and Yankee hat. As mentioned above, He moves in Mysterious Ways. Perhaps this week the Ravens, who like the Texans are a replacement for a team that stabbed their fans in the Hearts by leaving town in an ignominious way.