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Almost daily we see madman massacre enabler Wayne LaPierre on television spreading the darkness and poison of the National Rifle Association. He is possessed of  an acute single mindedness of purpose; making a case against all gun regulations. He is routinely and justifiably taken to task  for his consistent assertions that our government is an overly powerful, threatening and evil entity and that the average citizen needs military level of personal firepower to be protected from it. This is one of the most extreme, self contradicting and unfounded form of tin foil hat reasoning imaginable.

Wayne LaPierre’s macabre yet hilarious testimony before Congress on January 21 and in statements continuing to this day are merely extensions of the arguments and logic I outline below.

Wayne LaPierre has an undeniably creepy countenance and is a dead ringer for evil Nazi Gestapo Agent Major Toth from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

All jokes about how much this merchant of death resembles an farsical movie villain right off the shelf aside; I just got done re-watching and reading the National Rifle Associations Response to President Obama’s Inaugural Speech. They have not refreshed their argument since, doggedly and manically spewing the same crazed non-logic. So that you don’t have to suffer the same wave of complete stupidity I just Sewer Surfed through; here’s my thoughts as well as some bullet points (what could be more appropriate??). Or follow the link and wash your eyes later, he’s truly insane.


Wayne LaPierre of The NRA.

It would be hilarious if it weren’t real. The NRA is the 2nd Amendments biggest advocate and worst enemy.  Now that Wild Wild Allen West has been run out of congress the apparently genderless LaPierre is the biggest creator of Democrats currently on the national stage. This is perfect because he needs democrats to scare his followers with things like their reasonability and education. Holder of several degrees, Wayne LaPierre scoffs at educated people.

Why Wayne LaPierre thinks the NRA is as important as the president of the United States, the Senate and ½ of the House of Representatives is a question only he can answer, but comments are enabled, feel free to try help me out with this one.

A goon and a ghoul, LaPierre makes something like 8 million dollars a year as an enabler of spree killings. He knows no shame or reason.

More than anything, even innocent children, Wayne LaPierre hates lists. Lists of laws piss him off to no end. So before I finish this I will include a list of things about “John Wayne” LaPierre that is completely accurate.

–          All his reasoning’s revolve around the fact no one is perfect and it’s an imperfect world. Hard to argue that part. Then he cleverly hinges the pieces of this piece of common sense to complete idiocy. Basically his argument on any kind of Gun Control can be summed up as thus ’There’s no one complete solution to stop everything, so why try anything?” It’s applied to everything and then repeated over and over.

–    He’s a coward who wouldn’t serve his country in time of war. It’s important to remember that, when given a chance to serve his country with

Even New Yorkers, used to every form of offensive behavior, are shocked and sickened by LaPierre

Even New Yorkers, used to every form of offensive behavior, are shocked and sickened by LaPierre

a gun he refused and avoided the draft. So we are talking about a gun lover who is uncomfortable to the point of girlish terror to be in a situation where EVERYONE is armed. LaPierre took numerous student deferments to avoid serving in Vietnam and has never served in the Armed Forces in any capacity. This fits in with his infamously calling FBI and ATF Agents “Jack Booted Thugs”, an accusation so ugly that George W. Bush’s much cooler dad resigned his lifetime NRA membership.  Clearly this man hates America.

By the reasoning of the National Rifle Association the more guns the better. By virtue of this it stands to reason that the safest country in the world for a big chunk of the time LaPierre spent at military age was in fact Vietnam. For hard to miss reasons like cowardice, selfishness and a contempt for America young LaPierre stayed in home in the country he hated, no doubt glued to the television masturbating to black and white footage of critically wounded and dead American soldiers and their Asiatic Enemies.

The fact is that if Wayne Lapierre had his way we would have Kony Soldiers running around looking just adorable with their AK 47’s, but the fact is, when he reached adulthood, LaPierre was terrified of guns. He was far too frightened to strap on the ultimate Man Gear that is the uniform of any branch of our military when Uncle Sam called on him to serve his country overseas in Vietnam. It is important to remember that when LaPierre was of military age there was a war and a draft. LaPierre avoided both of these horrific nightmares.

One can only imagine a smug young LaPierre drinking deeply from a chalice filled with warm unbaptized baby blood and quietly patting himself on the back for his skill in avoidance of his duty.

I think this means a lot. I love my country and was terrified i would one day be called on to serve in time of war, but i resolved that i WOULD do it if needed. Thank

For some reason Wayne LaPierre of the NRA doesn't seems to have only half the equation at best

For some reason Wayne LaPierre of the NRA seems to have only half the equation at best

God my generation was spared war. Still, I was damn well aware when I turned in my selective service card that i could be drafted. For much of my life there had been a draft, so it was a reasonable fear I might be called to go. If I weren’t ready to go I would not have signed and rendered my draft card to the Federal Government. It was a scary moment. LaPierre thought about it just as hard, but he resolved he would NEVER stand and fight for our flag, the flag of a country Wayne LaPierre hates.

So here’s the blow-by-blow dissection of typical LaPierre arguments and some color commentary, all accurate and verifiable.

–   His speeches are almost always at lavish fundraiser dinners where the audio includes lots of ‘rich guys eating lobster’ with lots of ambient noise of cutlery and crockery. This is a fitting soundtrack as LaPierre is a true carnivore.

– Time Sensitive Hate Rant- LaPierre usually opens by mocking the victims of the most recent gun massacres by portraying them as unrealistic neophytes who shared blame in their own deaths by NOT being armed at all times.

–          Underscores his actual irrelevance by pointing out he isn’t saying anything new or original, which is sort of like saying the same thing three different ways in a row for no real reason.

–          Was too much of a pussy to go fight in Vietnam, where everyone had a gun

–          Will go to any massacre sight within 72 hours of the crime to mock the families

–          Has a perception of who is old enough and smart enough to carry a machine gun on par with Kony.

–          Likens everyone to a criminal and thinks we should all behave like societies lowest common denominator by imitating their behavior (i.e.  own and carry many guns)

–          Easily laughs and cracks jokes while discussing the most horrible and frightening crimes ever committed

–          Bristles at the words ‘reasonable’, compromise’ and ‘logical’. He will attack anyone using these lines of reasoning

–          Scoffs at the Declaration of Independence and every other Government doctrine or law except the Second Amendment.

–          Views the entire history of America as a justification for the second Amendment

–          Accuses minorities of using ugly slurs against him when they say he is an absolutist

–          Then declares he is an absolutist and claims its as a virtue.

–          Never misses a chance to take a hypocritical swipe at anyone

–          Mocks the concept of Morality

–          Paints non violence as a flaw

–          Expresses great anger at the idea people have principles

–          Cracks a few jokes about cannibalism

–          Calls machine guns ‘100 year old technology’ as though machine guns weren’t the first weapon of mass destruction and debuted in World War 1.

–          Calls machine guns ‘cherished family heirlooms’

–          Insists all guns are the same. I suppose that means a Saturday Night Special and the Big Bertha Railway Gun are equally harmless

–          Most guns are legally purchased. Neglects to point out this is because he has worked hard to make sure that there are no laws to regulate the sale of guns

–          Exploits Conspiracy Theory Paranoia at every opportunity as if Jack Kennedy was a suicide

–          Expresses hatred  of an appeal for “Collective Action”, scoffing at the concept of Collective Action in and of itself.  Then he asks his supporters to collectively give him money

UPDATE- In the wake of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings there has been a steadily rising and occasionally surging tide in favor of reforming the nation’s gun law policies. This is due in no small part to the repulsive nature of the counter arguments presented by Wayne LaPierre.

In a classy and appropriate gesture, Major League Baseball’s Opening Day Ceremonies for all teams included a Moment of Silence for the victims of Sandy Hook. Even at the Rangers – Astro’s Game in Houston, which would easily qualify as a hotbed of gun rights advocacy, not one of the fifty thousand or so in attendance made so much a peep during the observance.

The NRA’s reaction, if any, to Major League Baseball honoring the victims, will likely only drive more people from their ranks.

UPDATED 04/02/13

UPDATED 04/02/13