How to Get Crucified and Live

How would a homicide detective working in Jerusalem in 33 AD have approached the case of Jesus of Nazareth, criminal who came back from the dead?

For starters he wouldn’t believe that he came back from the dead. He’d accept death as absolutely final and really just not the kind of thing you come back from. So a cop might think, “Guys stay dead all the time why’s this guy different?” The answer would come back “There’s no way he died in the first place.”

How could Jesus avoid dying, assuming all the other stuff we read is true? Well bribing some Romans sounds a lot easier than overcoming death. So maybe they go easier on him than most, or someone else altogether is put on the cross.

Roman soldiers were far from well paid and while their punishment could have been as severe as death, they may have been willing to take the chance. We know for sure they were not following procedures with the Jesus execution from the Gospels, which point out that the executions were wrapped up early by breaking the condemned prisoners legs so they would die in just a few minutes rather than many hours or a day or two that was possible.


Remember,  the Romans are the ones who decided whether or not Jesus was definitely dead and therefore didn’t need a coup de gras.  Why would they think they would get away with it?

Outside the interesting possibility that entire unit was going to leave for Italy the next day, the Romans probably figured he was gonna die in really short order anyway.

If Jesus were unconscious (or drugged or acting) the Roman’s could easily just declare him dead and take that bribe.

Who would argue? It’s not like Jesus was a social media or newspaper star. These things are centuries in the future. Only a few people could really identify anyone, even a newly famous guy coming off a big couple of weeks. No one is really making images of Jesus while he’s alive, but if they did how many people could they have even shown it too? How accurate could it have been? Simply denying that the guy in front of then was Jesus was actually not the worst plan IF HE SOMEHOW LIVES. That’s what a Roman would think.

The next question a first century detective asks likely seems; “Was Jesus in on it or just crazy and getting used?” It could be either or both. It sort of doesn’t matter if Jesus is a part of it for it to have happened, If Jesus was say crazy the other guys could just figure he would keep on thinking he was god after he thinks he’s come back from the dead anyway. Of course it’s even simpler if Jesus is in on it.

Lastly an ancient cop would ask themselves,”If people saw Jesus alive, assuming they were telling the truth, how’d that happen?”

Well, assuming he does get crucified but is somehow helped to survive; its likely a half dead Jesus was alive long enough to show up and then dies of complications, like an infection. While a 1st century detective didn’t know about germs and disease theory, he would know like everyone else that like half of everyone recovers and then later gets sick and dies in pretty much the same way.  For our purposes it’s irrelevant, we know about disease theory and infections.

What’s my theory got going for it? Well for one thing its simple. For another it’s possible. While I’m not the first guy to suggest a plot where Jesus eludes death somehow, I don’t know if dishonest Italians or a possibly unwitting Jesus figure in to other theories.


It’s a better conspiracy theory than you will hear most days from the likes of Alex Jones and his Info Wars Ilk. So maybe try it on for 3 or 4 minutes.

It has the benefit of being impossible to discount and shows there’s a way for all this to have gone down WITHOUT Supernatural help.

Jesus- he could have done it all with no supernatural help.


By Captain Teag

Welcome Aboard! The Captain logs reviews of Pop Culture, movies and TV, Disney, MCU, DCEU, Star Trek, Star Wars, War Movies and MORE! Feel free follow and join my motley crew! Today the we Sail the Ship into History! After 10 years I think I'm finally getting the hang of this! Likes GREATLY Appreciated! CHEERS!

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