CHRIS MATTHEWS- Walking Embodiment of All Liberal Stereotypes

I hereby disavow Chris Matthews as a legitimate media voice and feed him to the Volcano God. While this is sure to please everyone on the right, I have lefty reasoning’s for doing this. Before anything else I will say this; he’s no great credit to the Irish, of which I am one. Not a disgrace mind you, but really not a big deal. Now, on to the Butcher’s work!

Matthews gets to be the very first person to be fed to the Volcano God, who I

Chris Matthews in a rare calm moment

invented earlier today as a useful metaphor. It also sounds more fun than just calling someone boring!

Matthews has done nothing to deserve being first to be thrown into the bubbling caldera of magma, but the Volcano is hungry and I have to start somewhere. He merely survived the media Tsunami of Common Sense that has slowly consumed all the most extreme voices on the right as well as some on the left since the Tea Party reached its apex in 2010.

The Volcano, a particularly useful metaphor,  is our ‘National Conversation’. Its on an Island somewhere in the Basic Cable Sea and it is peopled by would be opinion makers. It demands from time to time to be fed pundits and other politi-porn TV types who are allegedly tasked with facilitating the National Conversation on some pertinent topic.Among the tribes on the Island are the tribe of the Political  Panel Show.

The tried and true Political Panel Show is supposed to involve an enlightened discussion by experts on a pertinent issue. To that end Chris Matthews squanders great power by focusing his show on an unlikely hero, himself. This is even more incredible if you watch the show regularly because Matthews seems to hold himself in complete contempt. He’s got a lot of apologizing to do before he circumlocuates his way to the vicinity of the topic at hand, whatever that may be. It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to be addressed until the final 15 seconds of the segment because Matthews is on a nonstop rant. He’s something of a walking contradiction. Consider this as proof; he refers to the mass of hypomanic unrestrained genius meets rock star that was John Fitzergerald Kennedy as “elusive”. This is like calling a brick wall ‘subtle’.

In the name of Moderation, Understanding and Advancing the Collective Civic Conversation I hereby sacrifice Christopher John “Chris” Matthews to Volcano the Volcano God!!!!

Altar of the Volcano God

I have long been a non fan of Hardball with Chris Matthews. It’s an Orwellian mix of poorly troped recycled Kennedy Era liberalism on Stupid Pills. At the helm of this shambling mess of banal assertions shouted over the smartest people in the world’s opinions is none other than the Eponymous Hardballer himself- Chris Matthews.

Matthews is a distinguished journalist with an audience of hundreds of thousands, and he will overstate this every chance he gets. It’s not that he’s unlikeable, I want to like him, and I just have gotten to know him too well.

I know that Howard Fineman is a genius, and having him as panel member is a great ‘get’. Talking over him in what basically amounts to putting your own spin on restating the obvious would seem an easily avoidable mistake.

Sporting a big name, big mouth, big ego and a personality that reminds me of the things I both loved and hated about the Marist Brothers who ran my school, Matthews cajoles the distinguished geniuses he gets on his show with nonstop self obsessed faux humility. One third of all people on MSNBC owe their careers to the fact that they started a few really interesting sentences on Hardball which Matthews then co-opted. This always leaves you appreciating the panelists more. What could Peggy Noonan have said if she were not over talked as Matthews’ waxed poetic about Jack Kennedy? When you take it a step firther and realize she was talking about Mitt Romney, the least Kennedy-like person not named Bush to ever walk the4,000 year old Republican version of Earth.

Everything in Chris Matthews World View revolves around his fascination with the Kennedy’s, who must think he’s at least as creepy as Taylor Swift.  He threads the “JFK Needle” upon every opportunity. You wouldn’t think Bill Press had meant to devolve into a post mortem of the Cuban Missile Crisis when Chris asked him about the Taliban, but that’s what you’ll get!

Chris Matthews is the definition of guilty. Of all the things he is guilty of, the worst thing perhaps is Guilt itself. He feels bad about everything. He’s an apologist for his relative wealth, his entire race, all peoples of Irish descent, the Church , the entirety of all mistakes in Western Civilization and occasionally, for over talking his guests. The last apology is accepted.

It goes beyond the obvious and seems pathological.  He is chronically sorry about everything that has gone wrong with America. It’s not so much I think he’s wrong. Sometimes he’s not. My problem is that there is a point of a panel show and it’s not to find out everything about the host in every episode.  The best episodes of Hardball are the ones guest hosted by Michael Smerconish.  Smerconish has also guest hosted for OReilly, another idiot who perpetuates a whole bunch of other Irish Stereotypes that make me cringe like a Lucky Charms Commercial

Someone should either fire Matthews, or spike his red bull with valium