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UPDATE- 6-12-13 GEORGE HW BUSH HAS REFUSED TO DIE UNTIL ASSURED AN UPPER MANAGEMENT POSITION IN HELL
DATELINE- THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE, roughly 5 minutes from now.
Former president George HW Bush passed away today from Embarrassment upon getting what sources are calling “absolute genetic proof” he was in fact the father of subsequent president George W Bush. “He had always suspected I had an affair because W was so slow;” a tearful former first lady Barbara Bush was quoted as saying. Close friend William Bennett was reached at the Sands Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, where he swears he isn’t under house arrest for nonpayment of gambling debts. “He had always held out hope George W was someone else’s son in spite of the obvious physical resemblance.” Bennett said. “He was a proud man and he never could come to terms with the mistake he made not punching his wife harder in the belly while she was pregnant with W. I guess knowing for sure W is his was the final insult. Let’s face it, any man would have felt the same.” Bennett had learned of the former presidents passing when he asked why the flags at Churchill Downs were at Half Mast while he was placing online bets.
In his book “Blackmail Photo’s, My Time Serving in the Reagan Administration”, former Secretary of the Treasury Donald Reagan said of the senior Bush,”Whenever W would come around George would make a point of saying he had barely been in town when the kid
was conceived and if it was his he”probably should have shot that one into the sink.” Bush, known for naming his penis after prominent Olympians, also occasionally claimed radioactive alien remains he came into contact with as CIA director (under our 3rd most failed president of the last 50 years, fellow Republican Gerald R Ford) had “fucked up all my little Mark Spitz’s for awhile.” He cited a time travel paradox as the reason he was able to retroactively create a birth defect in a son who already 20 years old and working towards his first DUI at the time the encounter occurred. When asked if he was upset someone else may have made love to his wife Bush would often fork his fingers in front of his mouth, flick his tongue rapidly, wink and say “at least somebody is!”
Word has it he had been watching Fahrenheit 9-11 while huffing oxygen when in a massive attack of common sense he realized he had been saved by his own penis from the title of “Most Failed President of the last 50 Years not named Richard Nixon”. The Medical Examiner has listed “Embarrassment” as the initial cause of death.
In addition to other things i will delve into when he actually DOES die is the fact that George the 1st was a much braver pilot than his son and a slightly better one than John McCain. Unlike his drunk ass coke fiend son Bush 1 loved war in a personal hands on way as well as killing by remote control. A dedicated servant of darkness, war and death were near and dear to Bush Sr’s heart. He happily served in the Pacific Theater during World War 2 where he was notably shot down and sadly saved by a submarine that was unfortunately nearby, sealing America’s fate and blowing a great chance to let the Japanese save us from two terrible presidents in one fell swoop. Damn their poor vision and terrible marksmanship! We were literally like less than a foot from never having to deal with either of these guys. It makes what happened to Little Joe Kennedy all the more tragic. This in and of itself justifies the dropping of both atomic bombs despite the Japanese begging us to accept their surrender for three months previous.
During the war Bush passed his time cheating at poker, fantasizing about new ways to fail at his combat missions and how to lose more crew members in the torpedo bomber he helmed. Unlike fellow Navy Pilot and insane right wing war loving maniac John McCain he almost always landed on the aircraft carrier without damaging his plane. Occasionally he would come back having actually completed his missions. Despite incompetence, poor vision and an inability to read a map sheer love of war was enough to motivate Bush to rain death and destruction down upon the helpless civilians in the final month of the war when Japanese resistance was almost nil. “Sure we bombed hospitals, orphanages and old folks homes, but sometimes we would hit a factory and really take it to the Tojo’s!” he wrote home to his mother in 1945. In the same letter he enclosed the severed ear of a kamikaze pilot whose body Bush had taken custody of after the attack. He promised “more to come, I’ve really been reading the heck out of them taxidermy books you an pa sent me.” In other letters home he would recount combat experiences. In a letter to his then 8 year sister Bush wrote,”They look like ants running away from me and that’s sort of how i think of them. Next spring when I’m home on leave we’ll stomp some baby chicks and you’ll kinda’ get the idea. I have never enjoyed anything in my life so much as the smell of their roasting flesh as I fly back to the carrier over the devastation and burned out buildings that I helped to destroy for America. I sleep like a baby at night knowing I am doing the work of the Lord. The only thing that scares me is the thought that someone might invent a bomb so powerful that it could blow up an entire city and end this turkey shoot. God I feel alive today!”
Obsessed with hatred for his Asiatic enemies, Bush read an article in Life Magazine about the Flying Tigers but was so drunk on coconut hooch he thought the Japanese were afraid of Demons instead of sharks. The next morning a hung over Bush painted up his plane, Beautiful Babs, like a gigantic Satanic Bat with blood dripping from its fangs. Felton Carmichael, an African American Steward and anti aircraft gunner who served with Bush remembered him as a profoundly racist rank puller whose twisted love of war disgusted his comrades. “He loved them fat girls,” Carmichael recalled, desperately searching for positive things to say about his former comrade in arms. He recounted how, drunk and flush with money won cheating at poker, a jubilant Bush once engaged him in a conversation about the perils of combat. “He pulled out his wallet and after he made sure to flash a wad of hundreds he pulled out a picture of his future wife and said ‘Would you fear death if you had THIS waiting for you at home?’ He really was let down when the war ended,” recalled Carmichael. “Not just because he couldn’t kill people all day anymore, we all missed that part, but because he had survived and would have to go home and fuck that horrible monster. Lotta us survivors had that kind of guilt. I think a part of his soul died that day.”When asked if he was put off by Bush’s overt racism Carmichael nodded his head in accord saying,”He put me at ease with a lot of antisemitic jokes. I figured he hated Jews so much they must’ve sent him to the Pacific so he wouldn’t switch sides.”
When the war ended Bush had earned the Overseas Service Medal, the Air Medal, and a commendation for ingenuity when he made a low pass over a schoolyard of Japanese Children and used his planes propeller blades to decapitate them after expending all his ammunition on a Buddhist Shrine and Monastery. He had taken off for 37 combat missions and landed 16 times afterwards. Of the dozens of men to serve in Bush’s torpedo plane crew only one survived the war (and he voted for Dukakis). All the rest were lost at sea when Bush would have them bail out so he would not run out of fuel. “I wasn’t afraid to die,” said Bush,”Were I in their position I would have done the same thing. Imagine if that aircraft and pilot weren’t able to kill more people the next day? We were at war!” his eyes were filled with glee as he continued,”You can always train another tail gunner, but good pilots? Well, that’s a different story. I didn’t do it for me, I did it so America could Kill more people.” As always when speaking of his passionate love of war his nasally whining voice stood in stark contrast to his tough words.
Though they broke his heart by ending the war he loved so much, as president George H W Bush showed a softer side and would come to love nuclear weapons more than anything aside a good warm glass of unbaptized baby blood. Had he been re-elected he had planned to nuke Vietnam, Japan and Canada for an inaugural fireworks show. After Bill Clinton took office he spent most of the first day talking Bush into giving up the nuclear launch codes. Weeks later Bush was still calling a then deposed Gorbachev and threatening to “nuke his red Ivan ass!” In 1997 Gorbachev told the BBC,”I would try to tell him, ‘George, neither of us have that kind of power anymore.’ Then he would usually start weeping and lament he had wasted his chance to use the worlds biggest nuclear arsenal. This went on for several months. Whether he kept calling after I changed the number I just can’t tell you.”
After the war Bush tried to gain work as a prison executioner and later as an undertaker so he could be surrounded by death all the time. Sadly he had no talent for these pursuits and turned to politics.
His reversal on “Voodoo Economics” upon insinuating his way into being Assassination Insurance for Ronald Reagan and his infamously insincere “Read my Lips, No New Taxes” statements defined this walking contradiction of a president who would sometimes look like he knew exactly what he was doing and the next moment would puke on the president of Japan. The president of Japan deserved it though, because as noted earlier, the poor marksmanship of the Imperial Japanese Army caused the entire world 12 years of suffering under 2 different George Bush’s.
Bush leaves behind two super hot Granddaughters that I will find provocative pictures of for his official post death obituary. We will talk extensively of the Bush Legacy of Economic failure, Unnecessary Wars, Crushing of the Middle Class and Whopping Lies as numerous as his references to his laughable “Thousand Points of Light Foundation”, a presidential charity so ill defined Historians have chosen to largely ignore it rather than attempt to make any sense of it.
Undeservedly elected president based on simply being Assassination Insurance for Ronald Reagan he was the very first Pope of the hilariously misguided Republican Cargo Cult. American’s will remember him for his spelling ace vice president, his hot granddaughters, the relative who fucked the maid and created Jorge P Bush, his losing in a landslide to scandal ridden and beatable Bill Clinton and,perhaps most notably, despite being a one termer, being responsible for fully half of all Bush family presidential election wins.
His insincere laugh, sissy voice and effeminate way of threatening other world leaders will also figure greatly into his legacy. Though he claimed to hail from Texas, probably to offset his obvious stupidity, he had the nattering annoying voice worthy of a Masshole Red Sox Season Ticket Holder, which in fact he was. In later years the older Bush was often seen at sporting events supporting unlovable teams like the Houston Astro’s and the Texas Rangers. Like all true assholes, he was a big Dallas Cowboys fan. At many games he would appear as a sober counterpart to his unbelievably intoxicated son with other notable assholes like Jerry Jones and Nolan Ryan, one of baseball’s least worthy Hall of Famer’s. When asked about Ryan Bush once remarked,”I like a man who can walk 200 batters in a season and still make the Hall of Fame, he’s an example to all mediocre people everywhere that if you never really try but keep showing up you might just fluke your way into some kind of success. I see myself in him.” Even more irritating, because he spent so much time in New England, he also got to enjoy Tom Brady’s spotlight turn as God’s Man Crush and winning a bunch of Superbowl’s too. Thankfully he was never associated with the New York Yankees, who have enough conservative assholes in the stadium now that seats are an arm and a leg now anyway.
When George the 1st finally does shuffle off this mortal coil we will also have a good laugh at the hilarious fact that the GOP is actually considering trying to make Jeb Bush into George III. Good luck with that one tea baggers! he will never be president. Chelsea Clinton has a better chance.
George HW Bush has now been replaced by Jimmy Carter as second least successful living President and Dan Quayle now moves into second place behind Dick Cheney as second most hated vice president. When reached for comment Carter simply said, “He always had the worst breath and cheated at golf.”
The former president will lie in state at the front gate of Fenway Park where he personally witnessed every Red Sox World Series Game ever. The sleeves of his suit will be cut off so mourners can see Bush Senior’s extensive collection of tattoo’s, some of which date back to his military service in the Second World War. Bush also had a large rendering of the album cover of Iron Maiden’s “Killers” on his right forearm. he would often point to his tattoo, blow on his fist and say “the Maiden tattoo is for when I arm wrestle that Gorbachev guy!”
“I only wish we could bury him face down,” said son Herb, the only Bush with the decency to spare the country a political career of his own,”he had an awesome tat of the KISS “Dressed to Kill” album across his entire back he would show everyone he met!” The former president’s son reminisced about some aspects of his father the public may not have previously known. “My Dad loved music, man. I mean, he really loved it. System of a Down, Lamb of God, Machinehead, sometimes the Deftones, Ozzy, Maiden, Judas Priest, plenty of Black Sabbath and of course Mercyful Fate. Some pussies like Chris Christie pretend to like Springsteen so they can score points with the electorate. Not my Dad. He refused to even have Bruce at the White House. He just put on my moms dress, a wig and some old shades I think Jackie O left behind and went to see Slayer instead. That was my old man, he loved his Metal. Whenever I hear Ronnie James Dio I’m gonna get a little choked up and think of my Dad.” Herb then flashed his “Devil Horns” hand sign and wiped a tear from his eye.
A faithful vassal of his Lord and Master Satan, Bush’s body is expected to explode in a ball of fire in roughly 6 days as he descends into Hell where he is expected to be offered a management position.
Notable George HW Bush trivia facts include – He had the second lowest college grades of any president when he took office. After his son took office HW had the third lowest grades of any president. He spent a larger percentage of his presidency on vacation than any president other than his own son. He threw America’s Fourth Most Pointless War in the Ass kicking we call Desert Storm. In Desert Storm we freed the citizens of a totalitarian government from the clutches of another totalitarian government in the name of Freedom so their original, legitimate oppressors, could get on with the legitimate repression. In the process he set up a pointless rivalry with Sadaam Hussein and his third rate thug army and pissed off a
former CIA trained anti Soviet operative, Osama bin Laden. Both of these things would cause major problems in the years ahead. Among his greatest accomplishments was creating 100,000 wounded warriors who had to spend almost 20 years pleading with the country they served for medical help with the now confirmed malady know as “Gulf War Syndrome.” His pointless use of military force at the slightest provocation ensure him a war mongering legacy boasting a disregard for human life as heinous as Andrew Jackson’s.
A private ceremony is planned for this Sunday at the Dallas First Church of Satan,Reformed, just steps from Dealey Plaza. “Dad wanted the services to be near Dealey Plaza” said an even more intellectually inhibited than usual George W. Bush, (or possibly Will Ferrell, there’s no being sure), “he said he had done some of his best work there.”
He was 89 years old.
UPDATE 6-12-13- George H W Bush celebrated his 89th birthday today in defiance of all predictions. Kudos, but we’re still ready for when you go to your reward!