How the Republicans Killed Christmas
The holiday season is upon us, but you would never know that if you listened to the Republican Cargo Cult. To them this is ‘the Fighting Season”. Every year as sure as Black Friday will be a disgraceful mess of human failings, you can be sure

the Republican idea of Jesus.

the Republicans , especially the Cargo Cult Republicans, will begin crying over the “War on Christmas”. This is distinctly hilarious. When one considers the fact that Christmas is the time of year where the most people commit suicide the idea that Republicans would find it a GREAT time to recruit and spread their signature 19th century social outlook is in no way shocking. Endless laughable hate screeds about how people shouldn’t call it ‘the Holiday Season” will fill the right wing media. President Obama is a particularly favored target of the cultists who refuse to understand that Christmas is also a secular holiday. Even Atheists throw parties on Christmas. Hell, even the crazy Scientologists throw huge Christmas extravaganza’s to sugar coat their poisonous ideas. What could trivialize anything more than that?
All of this is pointless. Christmas is dead. It was killed decades ago by the Republicans. Much like when they routinely destroy the economy only to benefit from the outrage they manufactured, they manage to reap a dividend on death. Look no further than the 2010 mid term elections for proof. Insane Tea Baggers like Christine O’Donnell created countless democrats and did it by espousing crazed religious fervor and a vague promise NOT to do their jobs. Instead they took a pledge to Grover Norquist to never ever raise taxes. This went hand in hand with their true agenda, helping rich people get richer by keeping everyone else as poor as possible. This is an agenda so counter-intuitive that a smokescreen is absolutely necessary. Since they are Republicans they go with what has always worked, wrapping themselves in the flag while loudly thumping the Bible.
The fact is it’s the Republicans BFF’s, Big Business pulled a 1-8-7 on Christmas decades ago with massive consumerism. Who hasn’t been revolted when Christmas decorations go up in stores 30 seconds after Halloween? In the decades following the Second World War when Americans were finally enjoying peace and prosperity the attack began. Every kid needed a Hopalong Cassidy outfit or a new

Hopalong Cassidy merchandise was the tip of the spear that killed Christmas. That said he’s still pretty cool.

bike. This was not the biggest problem at first, but the uptick in profits did not go unnoticed. In typical corporate style they rushed to push the Holiday Season harder every year. By the time the American economy bottomed out in the early

1970’s lavish Christmas gifts had become an accepted norm. Gifting everyone was seen as mandatory. Forget the

fact that inflation was killing the average American’s ability to buy gifts, this was a

matter of Corporate profits. So instead of feeling like inadequate failures when their kid didn’t get that Millenium Falcon. Remember comparing toys Christmas afternoon and vying for bragging rights? This is learned behavior pushed by nonstop noise and advertising that dwarfs any political campaign.

Assaulted by the blatant consumerism that has become the REAL meaning of Christmas the average American was just a cog in the machine. Christmas is damn near recession proof and everyone gets a piece of the pie. The media does their part with endless Christmas specials, only about four of which are watchable. In turn they enjoy the profits generated by the massive onslaught of commercials. The credit card companies also get their piece of the pie as people go into debt just so they don’t have to feel like a failure until December 26. This is convenient because after Christmas comes the massive push to sell booze in time for New Years. The target market for alcohol increases immeasurably as the Holiday Blues takes hold with the arrival of the bills and other consequences of holiday excess kick in, like finding out you knocked up your coworker in the bathroom stall during the office Christmas party and you’re not even friends.

All this is the fault of Big Business. We must gift more, drink more and think less. Now I don’t hate Christmas, I even won the Keep Christ in Christmas poster contest when I was in 1st grade, so I may even qualify as an expert. The Republicans hate America and they hate religious freedom. They have ruthlessly used the Holidays to bitch about their concocted “War on Christmas”. This is

A very Republican Christmas

beyond phony because Easter is supposed to be the most important day in the Christian calendar yet all anyone gets is diabetes from chomping down oodles of tooth destroying jelly beans.
In the Republican World all 4000 years of the existence of the Universe when God miracled the Earth into existence in 6 days was just an excuse to create Christmas. That’s right, when the Holy Family rode their dinosaurs to Bethlehem for the first Christmas it was the most special day ever. Plus Christmas is in December, so it’s a GREAT time to scoff at Climate Change. This is real gut buster because aside from overwhelming evidence the world is going through Human Induced Climate fits; every amateur historian knows Christ was born in spring. The early Christians simply moved the celebration to a Roman holiday in a bid to avoid ending up as lunch for hungry lions. This proves that the Christians were much more pragmatic than their modern day counterparts who willingly jump into the lions jaws by incurring massive debt. Dicks like homophobic douchebag preacher Rick Warren are right there to tell them being cash spouting idiot is the best way to honor the Baby Jesus.
The need for a huge scat of cash just not to be seen as a failure drives everyone into a rat race. The oil companies make a fortune because a small ocean of gasoline is burned every minute as people sit in traffic desperately trying to get to the human cattle drive at the mall.
At the end of the day what really is destroyed is the Holiday Spirit. As people work desperately just to squeeze by with what little they have left after Christmas they have less to give to charity, less time to volunteer and less time to think and reflect on the fact they aren’t really enjoying Christmas at all. Add our not so great economy in 2012 and you can see why so many people are hoping the Mayan’s were right and the world ends December 21st.

an even MORE Republican Xmas

Consumerism, corporate greed and decades of indoctrination have killed Christmas dead. The Republicans are the ones who murdered it and no amount of phony hand wringing about how evil liberals hate Christmas can ever change that. It’s not the day Jesus was born and there is no Santa Claus. Don’t tell this to the Republican Cargo Cult. The idea that mechanically mimicking old rituals will bring magic Cargo from the sky is the norm to them. Drunk on eggnog and mired in debt they will commiserate over how the Liberals hate Christmas as their spoiled kids run around on a soda high breaking the overpriced gifts that their clueless self-hating parents bought them after waffling under pressure from their corporate masters. Doubtless they look forward to Memorial Day when they get their debt under control. I always make sure to put “Merry Xmas” on the gifts I give my Republican family members because it’s better to give than receive just like its best to laugh last and trust me I am laughing pretty damn hard. This is when I prove their hypocrisy because if they believed what they said they should decline the gift because I didn’t honor Christ in my holiday gift. No one has done it yet. This is because by and large Republicans are much more greedy than they are pious.
This year I am drawing a crime scene style chalk outline of Santa Claus in front of my chimney instead of getting a tree. In this joyous secular holiday celebration of mass consumerism and credit card debt let us not forget the words of Charles Dickens;”Let any man who goes about with “Merry Christmas on his lips be boiled in his opwn Christmas pudding and be buried with a stake of holly through his heart.” Merry Xmas to all!