Reading the Tea Leaves as the Tea Party Leaves

UPDATED 2-12-2013

In 2012’s imaginary Tea Party needs a more aggressive fake mascot. Out with Mad Hatters, in with Mad HATERS!

Was there EVER a Tea Party? Is it just a figment of the media’s collective imagination? The only time hear about the Tea Party seems to be when it gets sued for overbooking hotel rooms to the tune of ¾ million dollars. Add to that the fact that puppetmasters/ con men like Grover Norquist with his laughable No tax Raises ever pledge and Karl Rove wasted well over ¼ BILLION dollars to push Tea Party “darlings” who failed miserably. Republicans all over America, especially our friends in the Republican Cargo Cult just can’t turn off Fox News long enough to figure out how they blew (another) election when they had this ‘massive grass roots movement’ looking to vote out their hated Anti-Reagan, President Barack Obama. Well the answer is as simple as it is disheartening to the Right- the Tea party doesn’t, hasn’t and never will exist. More and more republicans seem to be coming around to my  way of thinking as they flee Grover Norquist and crucify Karl Rove. Don’t worry though, theres not enough rational Republicans left to win an election of any consequence. Most have become absolutely apoplectic trying to figure out how the Democrats ‘stole’ the election. Most are in the grips of a deep and abiding self hating denial that Republicans are a dying breed only capable of making enemies and creating Democrats all day long in spite of their intentions to the contrary.

Their out of touch comments on race, gender and of course Todd Akin’s ‘”legitimate rape” followed by utter failure at the polls has exposed the Tea Party for what it is, or more appropriately ISN’T. It isn’t a real political party, it nominates no one, loses elections for Republicans and creates Democrats.I have found credible supporters on the right who completely back up my assertion. On the November 20th installment of the nearly unwatchable Hardball with Chris Matthews Matt Kibbe of Freedomworks and sporter of the worst sideburns this side of the Civil War emphatically insisted that there is no Tea party, merely “Tea Party Ideas” and a “set of issues” that define Tea party thought. He quickly dismissed Christine O’Donnell and Todd Akin as whack job non tea party candidates from the “social conservative” wing of the party, therefore not true tea baggers. This in spite of repeatedly agreeing with and endorsing their ideas. Even a big time righty pundit can’t pretend theres a Tea Party without self contradicting and appearing completely but yet somehow militantly rudderless

mad tea bagger Matt Kibbe whose political mantra seems to be-‘have terrible indefensible ideas? Grow some disturbing facial hair to distract people!’

Interestingly the only example of “Tea Party Ideas” Kibbe could come up with was insisting the non existent Tea Party Tea Party was “colorblind” (easy for something that doesn’t even exist) and hated Ear Marks. About the only thing he could back up his ideas with was that they have destroyed candidates who would have won and replaced them with sub-par lunatics with baggage like being a self professed Witch. He seemed quite proud of this.

Poke-Mon fanatic, pizza mogul and part of the small but self hating cadre of token black tea baggers

Kibbe then went on to extoll the virtues of Climate Change Denial and the likelihood of Intelligent Design to prove he was a scientific believer and not a whacko from the “social conservative’ faction of the non existent Tea Party who just happens to be willfully ignorant. His proof of his assertions was the Federal Government just can’t seem to pass a budget. He seems oblivious to the fact he had just boasted that his non existant Tea Party wielded huge influence by primarying out likely winners with whack jobs who are forced to explain how they weren’t a witch. I love Matt Kibbe he’s so out of it and self contradicting he proves my point for me. His ‘I know you are but what am I?’ rejoinders were guy bustingly inept. The Red Bull addicted Chris Matthews didn’t even need to shout him down. Matthews was probably still pissed though considering he gets paid to do primal scream therapy and laud his ridiculously idealized idea of JFK (at every possible excuse). Matthews is a walking mess of Liberal stereotypes and a self hating guilt ridden white apologist who mimes being bummed about his success.
Kibbe must have been on crack to fail so terribly destroying Matthews misinformed point of view and mock worthy assertions and simply eating the guy for lunch. This unexploited huge opening comparable only to the New York Jets Offensive Line really reinforces the fact that the tea party is more a mantra for unspecified knee jerk lefty hating. The non existant tea party is a GIFT to progressives.
At least 5 Senate seats have been all but given away with psycho candidates. None gained a national office, managing to merely flood the idiot convention that is the US House of Representatives with one and done ideologues like hate spewing Wild Wild Allen West. Fortunately West is among the many tea bagger maniacs NOT returning to Congress. Florida also boasts Governor Rick “Skeletor” Scott, as man who said whatever people wanted to hear and then went about destroying a multi billion dollar infrastructure project to kick off his masterful suppression of jobs and votes in Florida. Scott knew going in his job was to serve his masters well, not to govern. The beauty of this is that another crazed bagger can run unopposed to outflank Scott to the right and perpetuate more fraud on the oppressed citizens of the part of Teabagistan know as Florida.

Florida is a great example of a real mess created by the fake tea party. The constant ballot tweaking to make them impossible to fill out and take as much as 45 minutes to read and certify, the fixing of local races and general incompetence have destroyed any accurate voter based demographics to allow the Republicans to Gerrymander. Over a decade of blatant voter suppression and dishonest county electors means that the best empirical evidence, an accurate count of who voted how and where, is at best a crap shoot.This is part of a negative feedback loop thats turning Florida Bluer and Bluer even faster than minority population votes. living through 2011 in Central Florida (thank GOD i am back  in Queens!) i met MANY a gun loving Good Ol’ Boy who was just so disillusioned they were either throwing their votes away on dementia sufferer Ron Paul or just so pissed that they were willing to stand in line for up to 9 hours to vote for Obama. Having no job thanks to Rick Scott freed up enough time for the oppressed citizens to navigate his intentionally frustrating voting laws. To many outside of Florida who haven’t seen this disturbing prequel of what a Romney

people say Rick Scott looks like third rate cartoon villain Skeletor. I say more like Bat-Boy

tea bagger America would have been like the stupidity of Skeletor’s methods just seem like “tough love”. Easy for people who love fetuses but hate children, especially educating them. Uneducated children almost invariably grow up to be Republicans. Fortunately most are so turned off to politics they don’t even bother to vote.

Why bother with facts when your network exists to merely sell commercials and spew hateful nonsense to lemmings?

We have just seen how the Right Wing Echo Chamber has trapped most on the right in a Fox News created fantasy land where Romney was barely edged out by Obama gifting poor people and how far off their vaunted ‘Internal Polls’ were. In fact the Polls on the Right were so far into “Dewey Wins” ineptitude that its hard to say whether it was merely misguided, intentional propaganda or a combination of both.
Part of my case is the fact that even though there seems to be almost NO EVIDENCE of people showing up en masse to support the Tea Party; C-PAC and other weird ultra-right organizations have perpetuated the myth of a Tea Party just by using the word at their hate cabal’s. Is there even a movement of any appreciable size that REALLY believes in the Tea Party, which is subject to some debate in and of itself.
The Tea Party Supporters seem to break down along the whacky rights “Three G’s”, or if you’re not into the whole brevity thing; God, Guns and Gays.
Depending on who you talk to all, some or none of these things are important. Talk to a Tea Bagger and its really a roulette wheel of ignorance as to what their delusion is.
Guns- Ok, so we all know Americans just LOVE guns. The NRA is a pretty damn big lobbyist and has really spent millions over decades to deeply affect the attitudes towards guns, especially handguns. When I spent my year living in Central Florida I was shocked how many shootings there were. After awhile shock changed to disgust. It was a 30 second story pretty much every time. Sometimes a couple of people or a cop would be shot. The Trayvon Martin murder happened while I was there. What shocked me most was not that there is an American city with a violent crime problem, but how the people who live there have been conditioned to think. To quote Clint Eastwood, “He shoulda armed himself”. That’s right, you are the idiot for not owning a weapon. You can get duly licensed pistol and carry permit by the non background checking and seemingly unrelated to guns, The Florida Department

These are what Rick Scott Overpaid Government Workers. Soon Fire Departments will be subscription only services if tea Baggers get their way. Watch for specials on high capacity garden hoses or the Baggers will only blame you when your place burns!

of Agriculture. Go figure. This is a stupid as blaming someone whose house was firebombed for not having a bigger hose.
Guns are here to stay. Even if massive resources were brought to bear, we are decades away from a from a societal shift away from Gun porn obsession. The problem- some people are simply impossible to convince the government is somehow going to take their guns away. Where this comes from is anyone’s guess. The best theory I have- this was the seed from which Fox News sprang.
The NRA is an early experiment in non reality in a world where baseball players were endorsing cigarettes and selling Oldsmobile’s in the off season. It worked. As time marched on for a long time media drove at the same, now seemingly leisurely pace. Simply perpetuating the increasingly untrue idea that a gun was a very necessary and important tool so indispensible only a Commie wouldn’t want you to have one. Almost in spite of itself though, the pro gun movement evolved. “Guns Don’t Kill People, People Do.” Was a catchphrase as effective as “Jackpot Justice”, a term used to describe the motivations of a septuagenarian who needed internal vaginal skin grafts after a cup of McDonalds coffee collapsed in her lap due to faulty design and insanely hot coffee. The idea is, throw people a fish and watch them slap their flappers together.
Ask JFK if guns don’t kill people, ask Malcolm X, ask Bobby Kennedy or MLK. Oh wait, they were killed with GUNS! So I guess “guns Don’t Kill People. People Do” is a great slogan because anyone who can say otherwise is as dead as disco.
God- this one’s a bitch to understand because traditional Christian values are

Fox News Polling- all 3 answers negative, making a scientific result impossible. Republicans HATE science. Thisis why they make up crazed theories to keep their gold buying Sheople scared and increases commercial viewing (their only real goal at Fox)

All the worlds problems caused by one talking snake. leave it to the Baggers to find this an uplifting image

supposed to be the biggest cornerstones of the compassionate side of the Tea party. This is the side that would force a raped woman to produce a ‘gift’ from a man who is not a criminal, but a Messenger from God. Well how do you put the messengers of God in jail? The people;e in Sodom and Gomoherra only wanted to have sex with Gods messengers and they were basically nuked according to the Bible. In fact in all the billions years 4000 years of Republican history this may well be the most important biblical thing to have actually OCCURRED already. The most important stuff in the Republican Bible is stuff that hasn’t happened yet, namely, the fucking Apocalypse and making sure all the nice people will all get ready to all get “raptured away” while the rest of us suffer through unimaginable pain and are finally cast into the flames of Gehena. Thanks a lot Tim Tebow!
Gays– You would think that God would be happy his children were loving and not hurting each other. Thankfully the republicans disabuse of of our ignorance concerning a loving, caring God. That’s the Commie’s God.
Republican God is an angry guy who just detested all the fun those crazy Sodomites were having. Seems simple enough, but by extension, God, who in the space of 4000 years has interceded on an almost annual basis directly into our lives, is a pissy neighbor who needs to be kept happy. God is the opposite of Government. He is Big, REALLY BIG. He’s entitled to tell you how to live and in exchange you give him money, plenty of sweet, sweet money. So take heart that the Bible says not only “An eye for an eye,” but also- ‘Love thy Brother as Thyself’ Like the famous “Jefferson Bible” , which removed all mention of the supernatural, the Republican Bible stresses the Supernatural, basically a 236 year backward intellectual jump. That itself is impressive. Furthermore the Republican interpretation of the Bible contains a heavily redacted, narrowly read ball of total ignorance only the complete truth. The part about Jesus NOT riding a dinosaur to work, well that was such ridiculous and nonsensical no one even thought to put it in because a talking snake is hard enough to believe cut out by heretical, pre reformation monks.
So when 2 men kiss, anywhere, God gets on Priceline and gets his Messengers ready to go turn peoples wives into pillars of salt. All fun of any kind NEEDS to be suppressed. This works GREAT for the Tea party. They are old, they are angry, they are few in number. Like all Cults they are driven to reproduce in the largest possible numbers, but they are old and their sick ideas will die with them.
Guns seem safe, so the tea baggers supporting that concept seem to be spinning their wheels like an overloaded El Camino in the snow. Somehow the myth of the absolute need to have a gun to avoid being a gay atheist just won’t loosen up.Go figure.
God? Well for a while he wasn’t quite as big as the Beatles, and his earthly ambassadors were busy doing the worst things imaginable, but he’s not going

Tea Party Jehovah- baggers truly believe the Man upstairs uses his badass assault rifle to kill a Gay Scientist. GOP Tri-Fecta!

anywhere, if he actually IS anywhere, but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog post! So God- safe. Not gonna lose any influence. If anything he should intercede to get himself some less hateful messengers here on Earth.
Gays?- Well gay people are in some trouble. Its always been hard for a gay kid growing up amongst the gay people in violent denial in the Hell hole that IS Texas, but I think the danger level has gone up, sadly. The end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, emergence of Gay Rights and even gay Adoption is motivator for people who just hate fun. You would think so longs as they either invite you to their party you don’t have a whole lot to complain about (because they party like no one else).
So where are these people? They can’t fill a hotel with people. They are only seen in very tight shots and almost only on FOX News. Its likely these people number in the dozens, even in a population center like Manhattan their aren’t enough people to produce a decent tinfoil hat brigade for the Tea Party.
The Tea Party is a catchphrase, just like “Jackpot Justice”. There are no ‘members’ per se. Sure a chapter exisats here and there, but theres no cross coordination. Its an imaginary space monster from a poorly written third season episode of Original Star Trek. Fear them not.